If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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