You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
