mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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