Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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