C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
