Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
