I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need to calm my uterus...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
