You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
