It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
