I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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