I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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