I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
