So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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