I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
