She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
whose parrot is this?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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