Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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