Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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