I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
