I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize