it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You pole danced in your parka.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
