i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
