What did we do last night that was yellow?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
