Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
