im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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