we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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