I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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