somebody snuck up and got me drunk
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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