I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
