quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
