you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Damn victory sex feels great
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
