didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize