how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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