Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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