Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She's not a foreskin expert like you
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
