thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
