How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
