3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
