seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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