We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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