There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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