my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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