Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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