is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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