Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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