dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
