I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
