Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
