I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
