i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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