I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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