I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
