Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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