I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
