bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
