i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
