It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
